Touching Fire

My ice fingers reach for the flame
and vaporize before I can get burned.

Anger

So I was sick, and pregnant, and worried about a deadly disease I thought friendly furry visitors might bring into the house.  The house was a mess, and the kitchen especially.  In short, I felt cornered, and there is nothing like feeling cornered to make one feel justified.  It was more than I could handle, and therefore I needed to make the kids help out - only out of desperation.  As I washed a plate, it slipped out of my hands.  I was contemplating using force, and the unkind words that go with it, but I wasn't tense and angry.  But for some reason, the plate slipping out of my hand reminded me of what I had seen some people do, when they were angry, and something small and frustrating happened.  They would throw down the washcloth and fume, like it was somebody else's fault that the plate slipped out of their hands.  At least the whole situation wouldn't have happened if they were the only ones affecting it. 
The truth is, that I am just not that perfect.  Situations come because of the choices I have made.  Difficult situations come because I make the choices I make, and often I make them because of what I believe.  I have strong values and beliefs, but too often, and embarrassingly, they require me to bite off more than I can chew, and I end up not being able to chew it all, by myself.  I am constantly reaching a hand up for help from others, because I, myself, by the choices I made, have put myself in a situation where I need help.
As I thought of the slipping dish, I wondered at the incomprehensible ability of others to get mad over something like that.  Then it struck.  I was doing the same thing.  I was blaming others' lack of help for my unhappiness in a situation.  The question wasn't whether I was justified in desperate force, the question was, what would I have done in the situation if they were all 2 years old?  I had unhappy choices before me, but fretting about the choices of another human being was not helping.  Because we have control over our own choices, and we know (or at least assume) that others' have control over their choices, it somehow stands to reason in our brains, that we should be able to control others' choices.  In reality, our control over our choices, would clue us in to the fact that they, and only they can control their choices.  But, despite our pride to the contrary, we humans don't live in reality very often.  We can highly influence another's actions, but that doesn't change the choices in their heart.  Yet we find more justification in anger towards a human that "could" have made another choice, than we do for anger towards a volcano, that "could" have erupted another hundred years earlier or later.  If we see circumstances we are thrown into by other human beings, as no more under our anger filled control than circumstances we are thrown into by natural forces, such as volcanoes, we will save ourselves a lot of ill directed anger.  Humans are interesting, their choices can be influenced by others more than a volcano's choices can be, but neither's choices can be forced more than the other's.
Realizing that I was just emotionally using flawed logic to justify my anger, I snapped back to reality and realized the situation I was in was what it was, and feeling that others' "should" make different choices was only unwittingly throwing my happiness away.  I took stock of my true options, and dealt with it.  And despite my logic, was surprised to find myself happy and grateful!  If you believe in "should" or "deserve" then you deny yourself a lot of opportunities to be grateful, and consequently a lot of opportunities to be happy.  If a person in the Philippines, who just lost everything in a typhoon, and is dying of lack of clean water, felt that they "deserve" clean water, or that they "should" have clean water, they would not enjoy the true grateful happiness they do feel, when someone brings them clean water that they simply would not have otherwise.  The frustration left, and I was grateful for what I had, not mad about what others' were not giving me.


And that was the significant part of the story.  That moment of change.  I got my happiness back.
Later, I went to bed, and the kids got so hungry they decided to play restaurant, cleaned the kitchen, decorated the dining room, cooked lots of food, made menus, and even let me order out to eat, and brought it up to me.  But this was nothing compared to the happiness my change of heart had allowed me to once again enjoy, while I was washing dishes.  So often we don't "let" ourselves be happy.

The first one to give in

Sometimes my husband and I get in fights. Every time he starts being nice to me even though I'm still angry and being mean to him. Then my heart is melted and I realize how good he is to be the first one to be nice even though we were angry at each other, and I want to be nice to him. Anger begets anger and love begets love. The trick is to give love when you get anger. The horrible feeling you get when someone is angry at you, especially someone you love, is not from the person. It is from the anger. Do not fight the person you love. Fight the anger. The most effective way of fighting anger is refusing to pass it on, refusing to let it use you as a host too. Return anger with love, and instead of letting the disease spread, it will reverse the spreading and the angry person always catches your contagious love. If you dislike someones anger, make it go away by loving them. Anger is decietfull and tries to trick you into thinking you're fighting it when you stand up for yourself or prove you're right, or something like that, but all you are doing is feeding the anger just what it wants, and you and those you love and your relationships are the casualties of it.

Anyway, every time he does this, I remember that it is him that starts the nice upward spiral, every time. And I promise myself that next time I will start it, because he is so wonderful to start it every time, and how could I have ever been mad at someone so wonderful!
But the next time, in the throws of my anger, I think, "But this time he really was insensitive to have said that!" or some other reason "this time" he is really wrong and I "shouldn't have to" be the one to be nice first because I "have a right to be angry." I also have a right to eat cavier, but I don't, because it isn't enjoyable!
And then he does it again, and I realize how silly I was to care that he hadn't been exactly my idea of perfect, and as I reciprocate his niceness and my anger melts, I once again promise myself that I will be the first one to be nice next time we get in a fight.
I thought perhaps it was unfair to him to always have to be the person who is nice first and reverse the downward spiral, but it isn't unfair because it is a burden for him and a free ride for me. It is unfair because he always gets the joy of being nice first.

War

If you are fighting against it, you are probably part of the reason it exists.
Nothing makes me feel like putting shoes on my children like people walking up and down the sidewalk in front of my house with picket signs telling me how bad I am to let my children go barefoot.
I am sure this is true for other people who disagree about other political, cultural, and even moral practices.

Captivity

What greater form of captivity than controlling what everybody has to learn.

Missionary work

Mormons aren't good people because "You have to be Mormon in order to be a good person."
Mormons are good people because the religion is true and good people are attracted to truth.

kids the best teachers

So I really really really wanted something.  With as many kids as I have, this is not a good idea, unless you like disappointment.  But I was going to be like everybody else, (or at least like I imagined they must be), for just this once. 
I planned an impeccable approach.  It took me days, but I balanced everything just right, and could see it happening.  Right when I could almost touch it, despite my planning and extreme measures I had taken against it, my 5 year old decided to be completely uncooperative for no reason. 
I had my cards stacked.  I knew her and had taken every measure to make sure this would be what she too wanted.  That she wouldn't be too tired, bored, thirsty, hungry, fidgety, or neglected!  I had planned for everything!
  I lost it on her.
I left the room, and as I pouted, I realized that I had thrown something away that I wanted even more.
As I rushed to my child's side, she smiled and it wasn't like she even forgave me as she hugged me with her trusting hands.  She had never even felt a negative feeling towards me, despite my unforgivable behavior. 


So often we lament that kids don't come with instruction manuals, but we thinking of it all wrong.  We are not here to be perfect parents for our kids.  If we were, we would, (I would hope), be much better at it than the vast majority of us are.  Are kids are here to teach us, not from a book, but a very real lesson in hands on discovery learning.  With their unconditional love and instantaneous forgiveness and utter lack of serious grudge holding, their compliance and lack of arrogance, unlike us, they are perfectly suited to be the teachers.