So I was sick, and pregnant, and worried about a deadly disease I thought friendly furry visitors might bring into the house. The house was a mess, and the kitchen especially. In short, I felt cornered, and there is nothing like feeling cornered to make one feel justified. It was more than I could handle, and therefore I needed to make the kids help out - only out of desperation. As I washed a plate, it slipped out of my hands. I was contemplating using force, and the unkind words that go with it, but I wasn't tense and angry. But for some reason, the plate slipping out of my hand reminded me of what I had seen some people do, when they were angry, and something small and frustrating happened. They would throw down the washcloth and fume, like it was somebody else's fault that the plate slipped out of their hands. At least the whole situation wouldn't have happened if they were the only ones affecting it.
The truth is, that I am just not that perfect. Situations come because of the choices I have made. Difficult situations come because I make the choices I make, and often I make them because of what I believe. I have strong values and beliefs, but too often, and embarrassingly, they require me to bite off more than I can chew, and I end up not being able to chew it all, by myself. I am constantly reaching a hand up for help from others, because I, myself, by the choices I made, have put myself in a situation where I need help.
As I thought of the slipping dish, I wondered at the incomprehensible ability of others to get mad over something like that. Then it struck. I was doing the same thing. I was blaming others' lack of help for my unhappiness in a situation. The question wasn't whether I was justified in desperate force, the question was, what would I have done in the situation if they were all 2 years old? I had unhappy choices before me, but fretting about the choices of another human being was not helping. Because we have control over our own choices, and we know (or at least assume) that others' have control over their choices, it somehow stands to reason in our brains, that we should be able to control others' choices. In reality, our control over our choices, would clue us in to the fact that they, and only they can control their choices. But, despite our pride to the contrary, we humans don't live in reality very often. We can highly influence another's actions, but that doesn't change the choices in their heart. Yet we find more justification in anger towards a human that "could" have made another choice, than we do for anger towards a volcano, that "could" have erupted another hundred years earlier or later. If we see circumstances we are thrown into by other human beings, as no more under our anger filled control than circumstances we are thrown into by natural forces, such as volcanoes, we will save ourselves a lot of ill directed anger. Humans are interesting, their choices can be influenced by others more than a volcano's choices can be, but neither's choices can be forced more than the other's.
Realizing that I was just emotionally using flawed logic to justify my anger, I snapped back to reality and realized the situation I was in was what it was, and feeling that others' "should" make different choices was only unwittingly throwing my happiness away. I took stock of my true options, and dealt with it. And despite my logic, was surprised to find myself happy and grateful! If you believe in "should" or "deserve" then you deny yourself a lot of opportunities to be grateful, and consequently a lot of opportunities to be happy. If a person in the Philippines, who just lost everything in a typhoon, and is dying of lack of clean water, felt that they "deserve" clean water, or that they "should" have clean water, they would not enjoy the true grateful happiness they do feel, when someone brings them clean water that they simply would not have otherwise. The frustration left, and I was grateful for what I had, not mad about what others' were not giving me.
And that was the significant part of the story. That moment of change. I got my happiness back.
Later, I went to bed, and the kids got so hungry they decided to play restaurant, cleaned the kitchen, decorated the dining room, cooked lots of food, made menus, and even let me order out to eat, and brought it up to me. But this was nothing compared to the happiness my change of heart had allowed me to once again enjoy, while I was washing dishes. So often we don't "let" ourselves be happy.
